Sashay Away

What if a customer is really mean, unreasonable or down right rude? Most restaurants will always be on the side of the customer. I do not agree with this unless it is the fault of the staff member.



Customer: “Excuse me! My BBQ chicken had BBQ sauce on it!”

Manager: “Did your waiter make you aware of this?”

Asshole, I mean customer: “No, I’m not paying for it.” (Plate empty. Not a crumb left.)

Idiot, I mean manager: “We apologise for the standard of service, & of course remove the item from your bill”

Result: soul crushing


But not everywhere is this the case. Some establishments choose to stick up for themselves & their staff. They are of course crucified for it, but that’s another story.

For a brief time I worked with a gentleman who can only be described as a real character. Let’s call him Bellamy. He would saunter in a least half an hour late with, “…a terrible hangover darling. I’m going to nurse it with a beer & a fag in the garden. You hold the fort.”

He would hop from table to table striking up conversation, & would eventually settle at the one where it was best. These unsuspecting victims would have Bellamy for the night, as he progressively got drunker & naughtier.

On my very first day working with him, in a little jazz bar, a customer clicked his fingers to get my attention. I was shocked & surprised, wasn’t sure if we brushed the gesture under that carpet or just carried on as if nothing happened. Just as I was about to go over there.

Bellamy grabbed my arm, “Honey. I’ve got this.”

He strutted over, “I’m sorry. It takes more than two fingers to make Me cum.”

And Sashayed away.


I imagine that man never heard someone clicking their fingers without thinking of Bellamy.

I hope watching “The Addams Family” made him twitch.




1 out of 879 thousand

There are 39,338 establishments serving food or drink in London.

There are 8.78 million people living in London.

One in 10 work in hospitality or tourism.

That’s 879 ish thousand.

I am just one waitress, who has admittedly worked in too many of them. Twenty three off the top of my head. Many people ask me why I’ve changed the place I work so many times, & the simple answer is: circumstance, opportunity, distance, happiness, money. I’ve always found that a combination of any two reasons is enough.

Waiters see & hear everything. Too much. Experience too much of humanity.

My aim is to tell the stories I have heard along the way, & believe me there are many.

From fun, to food. From wine, to dine. From lovely people, to downright mean ones.

Flying burgers, falling pints, screaming chefs, chefs who know how to cook & those that don’t. Comfy uniforms, slutty ones, rigid ones & flat out stupid ones. Heard everything, seen everything. Very little can surprise me anymore. But it can surprise you, reader, the stories of the people who serve.

Just remember one thing: just because we serve you, we are not your servants.